anyways, we finally talked more about the important things. that he loves me. and i love him. we talked about replacing our sins with doing things together that revolve around God. he said that he knew for sure that if we shared things that revolved around God, our relationship would mean so much more and be a million times better. i agreed and offered an idea. we quarreled a bit becuase i wanted him to come to my youth for christ meetings on fridays and then we would could go to his baptist college and career meetings on saturdays ( i went to one this last saturday). i wanted him to come to my friday meetings so that we could share something together, so that he could get to know me even more (yfc takes up like 50% of my life). i wanted to go to his meetings to learn about him more. i was really feeling in my heart that that was what we needed to share God together.

but to my surprise, he said he didn’t want to do this. it didn’t make any sense because we had just talked about sharing God together and this was the only thing aside from going to church together that i could think of. so i wanted an explanation. at this point, my heart was already hurting because it was bringing back feelings of times when he didn’t follow through with plans or did things for me just because he didn’t feel like it. it reminded me of the times that i expressed my concerns about him not making sacrifices for me and i was making all these sacrifices for him. it reminded me of how unfair i felt our relationship was. he said he didn’t know why but he just didn’t want to do this.  it was hard for him to explain why. he said that when i mentioned that, he felt this flood of emotion like he had to let me go. he finally said that he wanted to stay within his own church. i said that us doing this was not a way for us to convert each other. it was just a way for us to get to know each other more, to share something. he understood that but still, he didn’t want to do it. i don’t understand. im willing to step into his life but he isn’t willing to step into mine.

we then got into a  discussion about real love, sacrifices, how it is a decision to love someone, that sometimes loving means loving until it really does hurt, the balance between the decision and the feeling of love. he asked me if i thought that if i did things for him that i did not want to do (for example, help him study at 1 in the morning when i still had work the next day after a long long day) that if doing that created bitterness and over time and actually decreased my love.  this was the reason that he often did not do things for me that he did not feel like doing. i told him no.  i said that the feeling i feel after i have done someone that i did not necessarily feel like doing, that that feeling is a more intense feeling of love than when i have done something that i felt doing. i said that i learned that it was the challenges of loving that helped my love to grow, that if i always only did what i felt like doing, it didn’t always feel like real love. love, after all, is sacrifice.  Jesus died on the cross because he loved us, and even after that, he loved us even more so, not any less.

he understood. i could sense that he was really torn about making this sacrifice for me. he’s always been really torn when it comes to choosing me over himself. i was scared because i didn’t want to be with someone like this. i didn’t want to be with someone who claimed that he loved me so much but didn’t measure up to his claims. at least be honest and say that you don’t really love me then. anyways, im not going to bring it up anymore because you just can’t force these things. you can plant a seed, but whether it grows or not is upto him. i can’t force him to love me. i can’t force him to make sacrifices for me just because i make sacrifices for him.

i feel embarrassed and uneasy. he said to me that i do so much for him. and he is trying to catch up to me, trying to do things for me to. i wish it wasn’t a race. i wish that it didn’t have to be seen that way. but i have heard that it’s a positive thing to challenge each other, to try to outdo each other in loving. still, im embarrassed. who am i to say that ive done more than he has? im ashamed to even be thinking in that direction.  i tried to convince him that he has done so much for me that he has forgotten he has done because he is such a humble person. he insisted that what he was saying was just pure truth though.

hmm he thanked me for always bringing him up when he’s down.  he said that he was realizing that to lose me would be losing someone who was even more special than he ever thought. he said that being with me was like being in heaven, and didn’t mean it to be cliche but it was true. i can’t describe what a relief if was to hear him say these things to me. it was embarrassing (he says these flattering things to me a lot) but i ate it up.  in fact he said even more than this and i cant write it in fear of crying here. 

i feel like we have gone through such a long journey together. it seems like more has happened between us in the last year and a half than has happened in most relationships for years and years. as he said, he knows that there is a special bond between us, however cliche and corny that sounds, and that God brought us together for a reason.  i believe this too.  a lot has changed between us.  i used to lead the relationship but now he leads it, and i support him as much as i can. he really wants things to be right between us. but we both struggle.  he is still struggling with showing his love. i am still struggling with being too much, so much that i might be smothering him.  our relationship won’t last if we are both too extreme in things. i acknowledge too that it seems like we think about our relationship too much. i think, however, that it’s important to clear up what we can, and let God do His magic on the rest.

we ended off with a prayer, an act that has unfortunately been rare in our relationship. it felt good to pray with him. i felt relieved. i feel like we are on the right path. there is so much more that we are going to have to endure. so much more. and after all of it, we might even realize that we are not for each other. we are open to this possibility but we pray for God to bless our relationship. i think somewhere deep down we both fear not being meant for each other though. we both fear letting each other go. we love each other so much but what if it’s not God’s will? what if there something else out there for the both of us? what if love isn’t supposed to be this hard? what if we are just forcing ourselves together? writing all this, i have this feeling, a very uncomfortable feeling that we are on the right road. but it is a road towards the end of what we have with each other. im praying that this is just fear and not reality. if we think along the lines of “not going to work” then it might not actually work. ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?

maybe i should start writing about our adventures. these last couple of days i have felt so free with him. he picks me up and we do everything together. i have to pay for everything because he has no money and has gone back to school. his car is a wreck, paint peeling, dusty, dirty, smelly but i forget all that when i see him. when he’s near me i cant help but smile. when he’s embarrassing i can’t help but remember those moments and smile and laugh. yesterday i told him i thought he was weird. he talked through the discussion groups and was putting lotion on a pen drawing on his hand in and effort to erase it all during the closing prayer. he left me to go eat on his own and came back without anything in his hand for me. i told him i wanted to go home and told him he was weird. he was down the rest of the night. 

you know, it makes me cry sometimes. knowing how much i love him and care about it. but somewhere in the back of my mind that im going to have a very hard time. if it werent for my feelings i would have left already. i guess it’s true when they say that you can’t choose who you love. well, i chose to love him in the beginning and now, i just love him, period. i love him even if he is a bit weird.

we bought green apple smirnoff and we drank it here. i fell asleep behind him sitting on the couch. a couple mornings ago i called him to come. he came through the back and crept in behind me on the couch.  he was so cute. i still remember his sleepy eyes. he was cold and held me from behind and we fell asleep. it’s moments like these that i forget. those moments when i ask him to come and he comes. 

and i was so mean to call him weird. and hurt his feelings. he took it like a man and said he needed space to think about how he can better treat me. but how he treats me so well already. we we are on a break. im so ashamed that i complain at all. ive got a guy who actually truly loves me. and now he’s sad. and still i have doubts about his sincerity and faithfulness. 

it’s me who has the problem. im the one who gets jealous. im the one who gives him a hard time. im the one who’s too demanding. im insecure. 

i dont care who was right or wrong in all this. i dont care how trivial this may all sound. i just want him back. 

remind me that you love me and that’s enough for me.. and everything else is just bonus. forgive me for forgetting this simple truth.

he happily kept talking. i was thinking of how profound it was that when i removed jayar from my life, different other people flooded in like angels. i had time to mass text my closest friends. they would text me back and id be preoccupied. i never realized how many friends i had.  i dont mean the over 700 friends on facebook. i mean the real close ones. many many of those. this break up is starting off easier than i thought. jayar’s giving me one month of no contact, as i had asked. 

sometimes i get startled when my phone rings or i get a text. i suppose i have gotten accustomed to his presence, even digital presence. to be honest, i get this sinking sensation in my chest when i think about him being with another girl. i wrote to myself at work today that if he was with anyone less than a year from now, she was rebound. that his world still revolved around me, even if it was still getting over me. so selfish. well i suppose the only way to move on is a little bit of selfishness.